Fresh Mutton

Your Daily Monster: Dick Shonary

2012-02-06T19:41:00.002-05:00

Fairy Tales for the Sensible: Jack and the Beanstalk

2012-01-02T18:28:00.001-05:00

His head heavy with dreams and hispockets light with coin, Jack hummed a merry song as he led thefamily cow to market. Scatterbrained at the best of times, it was notlong before Jack lost his way and found himself at an unfamiliarcrossroads. Scratching his head, Jack pondered which way would righthis course.

“A proposition.”

The voice seemed to come fromeverywhere and nowhere at once. Without knowing quite how, Jack soonfound himself face to face with a hooded stranger. His cloak wasbedecked with trinkets of all shapes and sizes, making him appearmore curiosity shoppe than man.

Jack, taken aback by the suddenappearance of this mysterious stranger could only stammer “Yes?”

“It would seem that responsibilityweighs heavy on your head, lad, as you have been tasked to sell thiscreature your Ma deems worthy enough to call a cow”. The strangermotioned vaguely to the heifer. “Instead of suffering thedisappointment of a meager market offer, why not simply give him tome. It would save your family any disappointment you would bringback.”

“You must take me for a fool” saidJack, growing bolder at the insult. “I would not simply give awaymy family’s only asset. What would you offer in trade?”

“Ah!” smiled the stranger, histrinkets clattering together as he rummaged through his many pockets“A wise boy! A remarkable boy! I can see that you haven’t simplyfallen from the tree yesterday. What I offer is nothing more thantreasures beyond your wildest dreams. Adventure beyond anything youcould imagine. And it all starts with this!” With a magician’sflourish, the stranger opened his hands.

Jack looked down at his offer. “Why,these are just beans!”

“Just beans?!?” scoffed themysterious figure “Magic beans Jack. I’m offering you nothingless than paradise! And all for a measly cow.”

The man raised an eyebrow at Jack.

“Magic Beans!”

He jiggled them enticingly.

“Your wildest dreams! A reality!”

Jack’s brow burrowed inconcentration, staring at the offer. Suddenly, his face snapped intoa smile as realization dawned upon him. “OH! Now I understand.You’re one of those crazy people types!”

The man stared at Jack for just amoment before hitching up his garbage-lined cloak and skipping downthe lane, whistling a tuneless melody and meowing intermittently.

Jack shrugged his shoulders and went onto sell that cow at market for a very fair price. And his family wasable to live a very modest and happy life thereafter.

Barry Talks to His Waffles

2012-01-01T14:31:00.000-05:00

Every morning around 7 o' clock, Barry Whitmore walks into Sal's Diner and orders his usual: two eggs, sunny-side-up, a cup of coffee, strong and black, and two hash browns, shiny with grease. He eats his meal in the far corner booth, alone and in silence. His shoulders are hunched, his head low to the table as he masticates his food quickly. His routine snakes out and becomes June's routine, as the waitress wordlessly pours one refill of his coffee. It is an unspoken agreement between the both of them that this is performed after the eggs have been consumed, but before the hash browns enter Barry's waiting maw.

Twenty minutes later, Barry is done. He leaves five dollars and fifty cents on the table and exits as silently as he enters. No check is needed. No change is wanted.

Barry walks the seven blocks home to his single bedroom apartment. There, sitting on the table, still radiating warmth, sit two waffles, heavy with butter and light on syrup. The butter drips slowly, steadily from the waffle onto the plate beneath. To Barry the drips are fingers tapping the plate anxiously, the increasingly soggy waffles regarding him as though to say "and where were we this morning? Hmmmm?"

Barry sits in the chair facing the abandoned waffles. His hand cover his face, sobs of guilt creeping through the cracks of his fingers.

"I'm sorry!" he hiccups between tears "I'm sorry. You know that I love you. That you were always my first love and shall be my last. Never again! I promise! Never again!"

Barry wipes his face with the back of his hand, picks up the plate of neglected breakfast, and tosses it into the bin overflowing with stale and mouldering piles of waffles past.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." he says to no one.

Fairy Tales for the Sensible

2011-10-23T18:56:00.001-04:00

Tale the First

The Princess and the Pea

A princess was invited to stay the night as a guest of the royal family. It soon became evident that the family was seeking a bride for their handsome prince. Upon retiring for the evening, the princess saw that her bed was made of not one, but twenty mattresses stacked almost to the ceiling. “Surely such a bed would be offered only by a mad man” thought the frightened princess. She fled for her life in the cover of night, and was never heard of again.